my inner self

It is with a lot of mixed emotions that I am writing these lines. My 33th year in this planet is about to start. My 32nd has been rough! Reflecting on my life, my 30s got mad hands and I am at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I got the professional help I thought I needed; it did help, though. I won't lie. However, it seems like every effort made to climb the ladder,  once I am a few stairs up, life brings me down me some steps behind where I originally was. I was saying to my lil bro how the past years, I don't see why I would celebrate being alive, seeing how I am struggling right now. 

I will be honest, I didn't ask to be born, and some times, I even regret coming full term. No, I am not suicidal, I am simply bluntly writing my thoughts. I don't see any reasons of planning anything because life had shown me to always be up to something. The real problem is not knowing how to navigate through the mess without going insane. I understand that the oldest generations kept us "out of adults' business" for us to enjoy our childhood. However, I don't think this had helped us into being adults in today's society. How I wish the older generations had prepared us better. 

My generation is going through so much, we have experienced and are still living through some of the hardest times. 9/11, Freddy Villanueva, 2 financial crisis, goudou goudou, #SayHerName, BLM  and so much more. We were supposed to have it all; yet, when I talk to my fellow generation mates, it seems like no one is. Most people around me are also going through it. This is what saddens me while lowkey comforts me. Everyone has a burden. I am observing how society is going and I have no faith in life events to get better. And I think I am not alone with this conclusion. Yet every day, I see the sisters, the brothers, the cousins from another mother refusing to let that ruin their life experience.

 Instead, they are choosing themselves; slowly, quietly, but surely. They're leaving jobs that drain them, they're setting boundaries that protect them, they're turning down paths paved by others and creating ones that feel true to them. My generation may be broken in many ways, but we’re also waking up. We are learning that survival isn't enough; we want peace, purpose, and presence. We want to live in alignment with who we really are, not just what we were told we should become.

And maybe that’s what inspires me the most. In the midst of all this mess, the losses, the disappointments, the confusion, I am watching people around me reclaim their lives, even in small, quiet acts. 

Therefore, reclaiming my life is mindset I had to mirror. That is the kind of courage I needed to nurture within myself. Because if there's one thing I owe to the little voice within me it is the chance to experience life on its terms. To be in tune with my inner self, and to finally let it breathe. Let it exist. 

So this was my gift as I entered my 33rd year, unsure but open, I choose that. I choose me.